i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
