just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
