i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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