I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
