Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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