Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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