I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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