It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
