I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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