I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
This beer is not sobering me up at all
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
