So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
