peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
