Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
