he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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