oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
