if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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