Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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