I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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