am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize