This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
