i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
