I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
