Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
