Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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