update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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