no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize