Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
