Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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