She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
