I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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