he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
