Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
