dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
