Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
