Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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