hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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