Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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