A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
