Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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