JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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