I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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