i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
