they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
