i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
