Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize