I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
