wakey wakey hands off snakey
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Randomize
