ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
