Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
