I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize