Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I supernannyed him into submission
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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