I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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