Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
