I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
