the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
