Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize