When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
